US Air Force Oath of Enlistment I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I'm too smart for the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding test as a valid form of exercise. I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times besure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of my <snicker> "Basic Training," I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chairborne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. I consent to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow. So help me God.
US Army Oath of Enlistment I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will ever see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual...er...I mean Boot Camp, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter Air Force guy or a better looking Marine. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to the "company." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working in construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.So help me God.
US Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment I, state your name, swear...uuhhhh... high-and-tight...<grunt> cammies...uhh... ugh... Air Force women... OORAH! So help me Corps.
US Navy Oath of Enlistment I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world. using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head" instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and ensignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."So help me Neptune.
The Snake Model: The Differential Theory of U.S. Armed Forces upon encountering a snake in the area of operations (AOO): AIRBORNE: Lands on and kills the snake. ARMOR: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes. ARMY AVIATION: Has GPS grid of snake. Couldn't find snake. Flies back to base for crew rest and a manicure. RANGER: Plays with snake and then eats it. FIELD ARTILLERY: Kills snake, but in the process kills several hundred civilians with massive TOT barrage with three FA brigades in support. Mission is considered a success and all participants (cooks, mechanics, clerks) are awarded the Silver Star. COMBAT ENGINEERS: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series FM about how to defeat snake using counter-mobility assets. Complains that the maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake operations. NAVY S.E.A.L.: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. (SEAL blames bad intel for mission failure.) AIR FORCE FIGHTER PILOT: Mis-identifies the snake as a Russian HIND helicopter and engages it with missiles. Crew chief paints a snake on airplane. COMBAT CONTROLLER: Guides snake elsewhere. PARA-RESCUE: Wounds snake in the first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake's life. MARINE RECON: Follows snake and gets lost. SPECIAL FORCES: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, and then trains it to kill other snakes. ARMY MILITARY INTELLIGENCE: Locates snake without snake knowing. Studies snake and it's movements. Reports back to company commander on snake's location and movement. Snake discovers it's location has been compromised and disappears. (MI blames poor OPSEC for snake's disappearance and conducts SAEDA training for next six months) ARMY QUARTERMASTER: Captures snake, applies a National Stock Number (NSN) to it (that's got to hurt!). Implements a Found On Installation (FOI) procedures and picks up snake on property book. Has company commander sign hand receipt for "Snake, Green, One Each," as non-expendable unit property. JUDGE ADVOCATE GENERAL CORP: Advises the snake on the rules of engagement and the law of war as it pertains to the snake and it's defensive posture. CHEMICAL CORPS: Starts to gas the little bastard, but then realizes that there is an M-18, A-2 Respirator especially made for snakes, remembers the Chemical Corps Motto, UTAWBAG (Up Their Ass With Bugs And Gas), and conducts three experiments on it that have been strictly prohibited by the Clinton Treaty of 1999. SIGNAL CORPS: Consults with Forestry Service as to the location, species, and endangerability of snake, prepares OPORD, conducts prestaging in the Motor Pool, disseminates FRAGOs, tactically convoys to ISB, spends three days in tents at ISB, convoys to site in field, establishes signal site, sets up NC and erects Cammo netting, and establishes a tactical signal environment, discerns location of snake in AO, uses 2.5 miles of flourescent engineer tape to "mark off" snake's AO to ensure that there's an obviously "endangered species" within the perimeter, set up barbeque grills tactically hidden under and behind cammo and forget about snake. ROTC: Prof of Military Science at obscure Florida school sends platoon of ROTC Cadets out to insure snake does not get onto football field. One half of ROTC platoon gets lost in end zone, abandons equipment and weapons and executes retrograde movement to nearest Burger King. Other half of ROTC platoon finds snake. Several members run away screaming. One member grabs snake and chases female cadet with it, then falls down on snake and breaks leg (cadet's, not snake's). Cadet gets lifetime pension for LOD injury. Snake escapes onto football field, while remainder ROTC platoon die of thirst trying to find way back to ROTC building.
You Might Be In The Army If...-You think beer is one of the four basic food groups. -You pronounce "sergeant" like "sarn't". -You have a difficult time coming up with sentences you have not previously heard someone else utter. -You think your whiny complaints are both new and insightful. -Your monthly paycheck is smaller than the average welfare payment. -Your life is lived only in the present with no thought of the future (kind of like children, dogs, and paramecium.) -You think marriage is a part-time job and adultery a tag-team sport. -You spend half of your day sitting on your bum waiting for: orders supplies and/or equipment other inconsiderate people -Your high-tech equipment looks like it was used against Mussolini. -You have nothing better to do than to gossip about and backstab your fellow soldiers. -You can wax and buff like a veteran janitor. -You were a: juvenile delinquent hairdresser (females only) college screw up small towner from Hicksville, USA Marine reject -You can't spell or read aloud. -You use acronyms in a social setting. -Your average meal looks like it came out of the north end of a south-bound moose. (SPC Joseph Harris) -The thought of buying a new pair of boots makes you perspire in excitement. -You are able to say things like, "We must tactically maneuver these HMMWV's to the north side of the motor vehicle holding area at 0800 hours" with a straight face. -You compulsively walk in step with your companions. -You think Jean-Luc Picard needs a haircut. -You think Beavis and Butthead are the funniest thing on television. -You give your last four before ordering your Big Mac. (PFC Childs) -You know every tattoo artist within a 20 mile radius by his or her first name. -The sight of a nifty drawing makes you itch to call the above. -You look at an approaching individual's collar or cap before you even glance at their face. (PFC Jedediah Easterbrook) -You are familiar with every product Kiwi makes. -You think "Hooah" might just be a real word. -Your boss says things like,"You will be there and have fun. That's an order." -You dream in OD Green. -You climb out of your couch and salute when they play the National Anthem on TV. -You spend half of your time feeling superior to civilians and the other half wishing you were one of them. -The first words you learn in a foreign country are all variations on "beer" and "alcohol". -All of your medical ills are solved with Motrin or Penicillin. -The word "Gas" makes you reach for a mask instead of a Mylanta. -It is faster to note the parts of your "company car" that DON'T leak than it is to count the parts that DO. -There is more starch on your uniform than there is in your diet. -You have to restrain yourself from spraying Niagara on your Fruit of the Looms. -You cried when Mom called and told you that she threw away all your old GI Joe figures and comics. -You were the product of a dysfunctional family that YOU thought was perfectly normal. -It is nearly impossible for you to cheat on your income tax return. -You have discovered that life can be narrowed down to three basic needs: Sleep Food Excretion -You are required by a federal regulation to pull your wool socks all the way up to your armpits. -You must wait six months and fill out 5 separate forms to get toilet paper for your bathroom. -You suspect that your uniform and boots could probably stand at attention without you in them. -Your skull retains the shape of your BDU cap even after you've taken your headgear off. -You must wait 2 months for a bonus to show up on your paycheck, but only 2 hours for a deduction to be taken. -You spend an irrational amount of time wondering what everyone is saying about you when you leave the room. -Your spare tire sits around your waistline, and not in your trunk. -All of your paperwork must pass through about 10 middlemen, each one more anal retentive, absent-minded and obstructive than the next. -You give your kids counseling statements for failing to clean their rooms. -You know that "guidon" refers to a unit's flag, not an underarm deodorant. -You turn on your headlights during the day and shut them off at night. (SPC Robert Scheffler) -The troops at Valley Forge probably had better tents than you. MREs are no longer interesting innovations, but evil little instruments of torture to be avoided at all costs. -You know what "Butterbar" means and revel in using it -You're mental prowess is determined by your ability to walk and sing at the same time -You can build your own satellite out of nothing more than 1 Roll of hundred mile an hour tape 2 garbage bags 1 box of paper clips 1 tent pole -"Efficient" means using 10 soldiers to put up one wall map. -You speak of the Air Force with equal parts envy and disdain. -You still try to find ingenious ways to get to your email while living in a leaky tent in the middle of a forest. -You actually succeed in accomplishing the above. -You actually had to PAY someone to give you that Kojack hairdo at basic training. (PFC Sara Farrant) -Everything you say is a potential EO complaint. (PFC Sara Farrant) -A Burger King value meal is a gourmet treat. (PFC Sara Farrant) -Promotions leave you with a bleeding forehead and collarbone. -You can refuse a drug test, but will be legally punished for doing so. -You can get kicked out of an oral interview/exam (ie board) for walking in the wrong way. -You are 35 years old and still don't have a credit card. -You learn you are deploying to Saudi from CNN two days before you hear it from your chain of command. -You praise and bless the Port-a-Potty man regularly. (PFC Sara Farrant) -You look like a walking, talking, camouflage garbage bag on rainy days. -You are nicknamed things like "Chock Block", "Small Round", "Pogy Bait", or (of course) "Radar" (PFC Sara Farrant) -Your vehicle looks dirtier after you've washed it than it did before you started -You get stuff like "Walk the line" and "Stay Alert, Stay Alive" when playing Pictionary with your Army buddies (PFC Sara Farrant) -You think camouflage works in urban settings. (PFC Sara Farrant) -It takes 9 hours to get TO the site of your field exercise, but only 2 hours to make it BACK. (PFC Sara Farrant on Army Physics) -The thought of your colleagues armed with live rounds fills you with equal amounts of fear and panic. -You could not tell the difference between Communism and your daily life when you looked up the word in your copy of Webster's Illustrated Dictionary for Young Readers. -Your chain of command arranges to televise the Super Bowl via satellite in the field--in order to avoid mass rioting. -A sudden increase in your unit's budget makes you wonder if you should look into extra life insurance. -You are required to obey the orders of a scrubby kid half your age who only wears BDUs now because his/her parents didn't want to pay for his/her college education. -You tie yourself into grammatical knots when you try to engage in intellectual debate with others. -You can admit to using any of the following words/phrases within the past month: "hand-carry" "re-up" "AR-XXX" "Hooah?!" "PMCS" "Sarn't" "squared away" "#*(@&! up!" (Fill in the expletive) "double-time" "mission" -Your S-3 is TOO in love with Microsoft Power Point presentations--not to mention their own voices. -You are permitted to use "deadly force", but prohibited from firing a few "warning shots" while on guard duty. -Your daily cologne is known as "Diesel--For the Soldier in All of Us" -Your living conditions in the field are better than the ones you put up with in the rear. -The entire cast of "ER" couldn't make your (overstarched) summer uniform "breathe". -You know that the "H" in the 7 Army Values really stands for "Hurry up and wait." (PFC McCubbin, 32d Sig Bn) -You know what the acronym "ATFU" means. ("Ate The #@&# Up") (PFC McCubbin) -All of your off-duty clothing has Nike, Tommy Hilfiger, FUBU, or JNCO embroidered, stencilled, or otherwise emblazoned upon it. -(Males) You *know* that the female foreign nationals that hang around the barracks at your overseas duty station are only after an ID card, but you continue to chase them anyway. -(Females) You are positively catty towards every new female that arrives in your unit if she is: Single Under the age of 40 More attractive than you are Even slightly talented Not overtly lesbian -(Males) Most *American* women living close enough to military installations to recognize a servicemember when they see one would rather give their phone numbers to a migrant farm worker than to you. -You wish they still served beer during lunch in the mess hall. -Your kids put hospital corners on their Barbie doll beds. -A squeeze pouch of MRE Jalepeno Cheese Spread is your idea of heaven. -When relating the dialogue of an argument to your buddies, you are tempted to start it off with, "And I replied with a whole lot of anger..." -You have polypro or Gortex everything. -You brag about being on Percoset. -Your promotion prospects hinge entirely on your ability to: Run Shoot at a sheet of paper Answer a slew of nitpicky questions regarding some of the most boring topics known to man Send your clothes to a dry cleaner
Why did the chicken cross the road?USAF reactions to this event follow:Air Education and Training Command:The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety observer. Special Ops:The chicken crossed at a 90 degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should have performed this maneuver at night using NVG's, preferably near a road bend in a valley. Air Combat Command:The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates the chicken's 60-day road-crossing currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday or during a full moon. Instructor chickens may update currency any time they observe another chicken cross the road. Tanker Airlift Control Center:We need the road-crossing time and the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing. Command Post:What chicken? Tower:The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road-incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions. C-130 crewmember:Just put it in back and let's go. C-141 crewmember:I ordered a no. 4 with turkey and ham, NOT chicken. Besides, where the heck are my condiments?! We ain't taking off til' I get my condiments!!! Fighter dude:Look, dude, that was the frag, OK? I've flown my 1.0 for the day and I ain't got time for anymore questions! B-1 crew:Missed the whole show--we had an IFE so we couldn't get out to see it; you'll have to ask the SOF. Air Force Personnel Center:Due to the needs of the Air Force, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a 3-year controlled tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for future promotion. John Warden:The chicken used its unique ability to operate in 2 dimensions to bypass the less important strategic rings on this side of the road and strike directly into the heart of the enemy, thereby destroying the will of the enemy to fight and thus ending the conflict on terms favorable to the chicken. Congress:The chicken will do anything to get the C-17 and the F-22.
